Teetotaller's Tiff - The Last Word?

The results are in!



A landslide victory for the pro-Fanta-Fuelled-Fury camp, it seems. Given that I exist only to do the bidding of my readers, I submitted the letter late last week to the editor, and it was published yesterday.

Now that the hype is over and the letter is in print, I feel as though I may have hyped this up a tad too much! That notwithstanding, I submit the following for your reading pleasure:

Sir,

Yet again I find myself writing to issue an apology to your publication. This time, however, I am throwing my hands up and saying sorry for my own actions. It was wrong of me to treat your newspaper like a college paper, rather than a kindergarten newsletter. It was wrong of me to consider your letters page a forum for critical thinkers expressing an alternate viewpoint. While I’m at it, hell – it was even wrong for me to assume that anyone who makes it to college can understand a Junior-Cert honours level of English.

This came to my attention through Cillian Burke’s warblings (which almost resemble a letter if you squint a little). Somebody needs to explain a few things to this guy. For one; when he was told ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’, nobody wanted him to reduce the standard of writing in An Focal, reuse the same ‘need one’ phrase ad nauseam until he tripped over it, and recycle not only one of my jokes, but also my opinions, for those who missed them the first time around.

As much as I’d love to point out the various instances where it seems he wrote his letter in French and translated it through Google, I’ll instead hammer home the fact that Mr Burke and I are pushing the same agenda. Not drinking is absolutely not a ‘quirk’, as insinuated by Catríona McGrattan in September 4th’s An Focal.

My letter was an attempt to entirely discredit Ms McGrattan’s writings, and illustrate through an ironic sense of humour that not all teetotallers share her viewpoint. I appreciated her effort to show the ‘alternate choice’, but no amount of pseudo-Tommy Tiernan endorsements will make a person think that non-drinkers are cool, especially when buried under so many holier-than-thou statements.

Mr Burke, thank you for making the teetotaller tiff a threesome, you’ve shown me the error of my ways. I do request, however, that before you storm off to wherever it is you go to belt out a vitriolic response in which you buttress my statements, you endeavour to ask your mommy a few more times ‘what does this word mean?’ Furthermore, there’s no need to get on a high horse about matters of erectile dysfunction – a fussy penis is not a cause for shame.

While I have your time, dear editor, I humbly request that you begin an investigation into how the Stables can justify charging €1 for 30ml of Mi Wadi and tapwater; your rather vocal teetotalling readers would be very much obliged.

Yours,

Seán O’Sullivan

There's a whole lot of restraint going on here, and I might have been a little too diplomatic towards the end. I am quite proud of that ‘translated in google’ line – I’m patenting it. You want to use it? $1.25 a pop.

Was this entry worth the two mouse-clicks it took you to vote it into existence? You tell me.

Teetotaller's Tiff – This Time, it’s Personal

I never know how to start off these ‘sequel posts’, but anyhow... Remember last week, when I told you about how I was contributing naughty words (among other things) to the school paper? It seems some young ragamuffin has seen fit to engage me in a battle of wits!

Without much more of this ado business, I’d like to welcome Mr Cillian Burke into the fray! Let’s see what insights he can lend us, while I talk over him through my mastery of the square bracket!

Sir,

I wish to refer to Mr Sean O Sullivan’s letter in the last edition of An Focal. I will not as per Mr O ‘Sullivan start off on a mindless attack on his letter published ‘apologising’ for the Ms Catríona McGrattan’s ‘Fanta Fuelled’ article on the 18th of September.

I will merely express my belief that Fanta Fuelled was Ms McGrattan’s effort to let any member of UL’s student body know that a choice exists on a night out. But to describe an article outlining a free choice available to all as being ‘ill-conceived evangelicism’ is completely over the top.

Why need one get on any high horse in relation to the drinking topic? [‘The drinking topic’ – sounds very taboo]There is nothing wrong with a drink on a night out. [Right you are] One may even over celebrate on occasion. Are we now living on a campus environment where it is wrong to express that one does or does not wish to drink? [Only if it’s condescending towards those on the other side] Need one feel self congratulated that a pint of Rock-Shandy costs €4.80 or that a pint of Guinness costs €3.90 I think not. ["Durr. Writing letters is hard... I know! I’ll throw in a random fact!"]

Why congratulate somebody for making a free choice?.. [My point exactly, jackass] Need it be an issue? [Did he even read my letter?] If it is...is there not a more pressing question to be asked… [Oh good, here comes a pressing question!] Mr O Sullivan obviously does not like being a non drinker so perhaps he should try a social beverage with his friends and loosen up. Maybe the fear of ‘waking up with a hangover after an embarrassing night of alcohol-induced-erectile-dysfunction’ as Mr O’Sullivan describes it is more his issue. [Where was that pressing question he promised?]

In the meantime need I feel special, quirky, ashamed, insulted or any other emotion offered by Mr O’Sullivan as a non drinker I think not!! [Two exclamation marks = classy. Someone explain to this fucktard that I lamented the labelling of not drinking as a ‘quirk’ before I insult his mother in a public forum.]

On my behalf no apology was or is required for Ms McGrattans article. [Read that last one again. It makes 0% sense!] Need one stand out from the crowd as a non drinker? Not in my experience.

Yours [retardedly],
Cillian Burke

Did you see that? He left out the accent [fada] on the ‘a’ in my name and didn’t put the apostrophe between ‘O’ and ‘Sullivan’ a couple of times. Bastard. Meanwhile Catríona’s fada is left intact… Strange indeed.

Nitpicky details aside – this jackass has essentially rewritten my letter, but tried to make it sound as though he is contradicting me the whole time! He even recycles my hilarious (if I say so myself) joke about erectile-dysfunction!

I was quite excited when I heard that there had been a reply, but imagine my crushing disappointment when I read this drivel. The scope of his thinly veiled imitation was so flattering that I felt no need to respond to him, and gave it no further thought. But then a curious thing happened...

This is quite hard to explain, but bear with me. I was taking a shower one morning in a groggy stupor, and all of a sudden the response that I should send to the paper popped into my head in its entirety. Before you could say “Sully, please finish cleaning your nether-regions” I found myself sitting in my underpants in front of my computer, channelling this message.

I have to say, the response that came forth is quite apt, but for now it sits on my harddrive. Is it right to impose the same issue upon the letters page for the fourth consecutive edition? My last correspondence was more of a public-service announcement. This is just me making some asshole my bitch (I like to think of the letters page as prison showers, and Burke just dropped the soap).

Y’know what? You tell me.

The poll to the right of the page is now live, and will be until the end of the week.

No registration is necessary, so no excuses! Get to it!

Update: Poll Closed - landslide victory for the "go git 'im, Champ" camp!

Teetotaller's Tiff

The guy I talked about in last week’s post succeeded in explaining his abstinence from alcohol whilst not not condescending to those who choose to avail of the solution to (and cause of) all of life’s problems. Here is an article from one such little lady who doesn’t have such lofty aims, as published in my University's newspaper.

Fanta Fuelled
Catríona McGrattan
Unlike most students, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been drunk in my three years in college…NONE!

I haven’t had a drink at all in those three years and no before you ask it’s not because I’m playing a match tomorrow, or on anti-biotics or driving; I just don’t want to!
I made the decision on coming into college back in September 2004 (when we had three pubs, I mean clubs, on campus) not to drink during my college years. I’ve managed to stick to it, but to be honest I have never really found it difficult, although that could be because I’ve been accused on several occasions of being the inspiration for Tommy Tiernan’s ‘Fanta fuelled F*ckers sketch.

The usual reaction from people when they find out I don’t drink is “Fair play to you!” I don’t think of it like that, it’s my decision not to drink as much as it is anyone’s decision to drink. College life is so diverse, in your next four, five, six years in college you will get to meet some truly unique people, each with their own quirky habits, best get used to it!

With a doubt I have had some amazing nights out in the Stables, at balls and in the Lodge (contrary to popular belief you don not have to be drunk to get in!) all of which without a drop of drink in me.

Alcohol isn’t for me. Some people like it a little, some people a lot, some more than they probably should but each to their own. I will never take issue with some else’s drinking habits so long as they don’t do so with mine.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that yes you can have a brilliant time with drink, but you can have an equally good time without it! So don’t be afraid to order a blackcurrant and vodka, hold the vodka anytime soon.

Apologies to those unfamiliar with the shitty nightclub or the comedian this girl mentions, but rest assured, knowledge of these matters make her inanity all the more infurating. Anyway, being the 'Sully' type of guy that I am, I felt I had to react in some way that would strike this woman's faux-pas from the record, for fear the integrity of a component of my personal philosphy be tarnished forever! I decided a letter to the editor would make my concerns heard;

Dear Sir,

I wish to issue a formal apology on behalf of the teetotalling community for the article 'Fanta Fuelled' that appeared in An Focal on September 4th.

I am ashamed to be a teetotaller in modern Ireland. This is largely to do with people of Ms. McGrattan's ilk colouring us as a self-righteous group of smug gits who offer up diplomatic phrases like 'drink isn't for me', whist in the same breath pushing their own philosophy upon peers.

Adding insult to injury is the uncertainty McGrattan casts over the veracity of her own statements, stating “with a doubt I have had some amazing nights out in the Stables”. Ironically, one might wonder if she was under the influence whilst at the keyboard were it not for the subject matter, given the number of disjointed sentences she stumbles through whilst eschewing any traditional grammatical structures (let alone paying heed to whether her words are typed in their entirety).

Her ill-conceived evangelicism would have been much more effective had she mentioned any points of merit, such as the money one saves on a night out only buying a drink when thirsty. She also missed out on the valid aspect of not impairing one's ability to drive home after a piss up. And how did she fail to report the boon of not waking up with a hangover after an embarrassing night of alcohol-induced-erectile-dysfunction?

Shame on Ms. McGrattan for attempting to pass off her decision not to indulge in the odd pint as a 'quirk'. Such inane statements are not only a poor reflection on the author's desperation to stand out from the crowd, but also misrepresent the far from vocal few of us who decide to spend our lifetimes without mood altering drugs.

I wish to stress that not all those who abstain from alcohol are bursting with the same sense of self-congratulation and condescension that Catríona McGrattan imposes upon her readers. I offer my deepest sympathies to those who suffered through the stale-sense of unjustified enthusiasm she ejaculated onto page fourteen. In doing so, I am hoping to wipe the slate clean. Upon finding out that the tall, dark and handsome man (or woman) you have been chatting up for the past forty-five minutes is of the dry disposition, don't respond with “Fair play” or “You plonker”. A simple “Meh” will suffice.

Your designated driver for life,
Seán O'Sullivan

To be fair to this woman, she probably wasn't thinking much about what she was writing at the time, and the stupid errors could well be poor editing, but that's not the point. My argument is firstly that anyone willing to submit a piece of writing for public consumption should be willing to defend their intellectual integrity (which I have been willing to do over the past year of blogging), and the student paper needs to publish articles of actual merit.

So what do you think? Bad form? Did I get too personal? Will people read as far as the word 'teetotalling' and just give up? Is my Fanta Fuelled Fury itself worthy of print? Am I allowed to blatantly rip off entire articles from the school paper? You tell me!