Friday, August 31, 2007

Sully in 'Not Every Post is a Corker' shocker!

The world is a scary place, filled with many diverse lifestyles that are all clamouring for mainstream recognition and respect. These nutters wouldn't be so empowered had we just held out a little longer on giving women the vote, but I digress.

I am a nerd. Or a dork, I'm not quite sure which camp I belong in. Today, I'm going to highlight one facet of my multi-facetedness to aid you in deciding what it is I should be labelled as. In the lexicon of Sully, a nerd is regarded as one who delves deeper into cultural artefacts than their peers- Generally computers or audio/visual type stuff. A dork, meanwhile, is one I consider to be a person who pokes fun at themselves and has a general lack of regard for how one views their deviations from cultural norms... Dorks are more entertaining, nerds are more useful.

I've always had an inkling that I may in fact be a dork, but it wasn't until I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend's mother (which caused me to laugh hysterically), that I realised I may suffer from a potent strand of the dork-virus. But what gift prompted such guffaws on my part?

She sent me Superman Cookies!

She spent $20 postage on $1.98 worth of cookies, which I thought was the funniest thing ever... (Seems those dorks aren't hard to amuse)

But how did she know?

Tuesday, August 23, 2006 – Pittsburgh Pennsylvania
After JetBlue Airlines lost my luggage leaving me with just the clothes on my back, I go to Wal-Mart to tide me over. One of the items purchased consists of a blue T-shirt, the other, a blue pair of boxer shorts, both emblazoned with the Superman logo.

I decided not to include any pictures of the underpants. Trust me. It's better this way.

Wednesday, August 24th 2006 – Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

As I had recently moved into a new dorm, I needed bed clothes. I walked to the nearest K-Mart and purchased a Superman bedspread, happy to pay extra for ostensibly cheaper material. Despite the constant scratching sound whenever I moved a muscle, and the rug-burn that ensues, the bedspread survives nine months until it has to be jettisoned for country-fleeing-reasons, leading to a tearful farewell.

Sunday, October 8th 2006 – Eau Claire, Wisconsin
An attempt at seducing a woman whilst wearing Superman underwear proves unsuccessful – Superman underwear not considered to blame.

Monday, January 29th 2007 – Chicago, Illinois
Whilst browsing the closing down sale at a department store in Chicago, I come across a Superman Returns Action figure reduced to under $5. Having spent my busfare, I walked two and a half hours back to my accommodation in the freezing cold, losing a nipple in the process. Nipple deemed 'a worthy sacrifice'.

Friday, May 18th 2007 – Limerick, Ireland
For my 21st birthday, my 6 year old brother presented me with 21 cents and a cheap toy he had just acquired from a lucky bag at a birthday party. To date it holds the honour of being the most thoughtful gift I've ever received.

Monday, June 4th, 2007 – Gurnee, Illinois
Insisted on being taken to the Six Flags Great America theme park to ride the Superman rollercoaster. Proceeded to grope a statue of Supes. Left park with Superman-branded coffee-cup from the giftshop – the second Superman themed birthday present I received for my 21st birthday.

Friday, 31st August 2007 – Limerick, Ireland
Referred to Superman as 'Supes' whilst typing a blog entry.

As you can see – I have quite the affinity for benevolent aliens sporting nifty tights. This healthy obsession of mine has been with me for longer than I can remember. It's possibly coloured my sense of humour, as I consider 'Seinfeld' to be the zenith of TV entertainment; maybe something to do with Jerry Seinfeld being a kindred spirit who scatters Man Of Steel references throughout his sitcom?

Bah, it's late. I have to wrap this up somehow, but if I can't find a point to get to, I'll have to wrap this up using some cunning distraction...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Sulliver's Travels

To anyone out there who has cousins much younger than yourself, lend me your sympathetic ear!

In May, my grandfather turned 90 years old. The following pictures are from the resulting celebration that gathered most of the family.

When I walked into the room, two of my cousins and my 6 year old brother grabbed my feet and demanded I walk whilst they clung on for dear life.

When I refused to walk in case one of them got hurt, I got punched in the balls.

As the throbbing sensation worked its way up into my abdomen, I decided I should comply with the munchkins' request. I walked back over to my chair, and sat down, much to their dismay.

Sitting down didn't quite quell their interest in 'playing', however. It just gave them new targets.

Following a harrowing few moments of clawing, kicking and screaming (on my part), I made a dash for the bathroom, thinking that they surely wouldn't follow me there.

Amazingly enough, my plan worked, and I hid in the bathroom until I could hear the drone of everyone singing 'Happy Birthday'. Other than the scratches and marks on my arms, I escaped with a shattered testicle, a small chunk taken out of my right ear, and a deep toothmark on my left buttock.

I'm not looking forward to the 100th birthday celebration.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Let's talk about sex, baby

So I'm back from Bulgaria (meaning the last post wasn't entirely farcical), and what an interesting week it was indeed.

Bulgaria is cheap. Well, at least Sofia (the capital city) is. We ate some very elaborate meals for a pittance, but for a basis of comparison, I thought I’d check out the price of a 500ml bottle of coke, so I nipped into a supermarket, and took this photo on my phone.

0.99Leva. That’s a mere €0.50 (or US$0.67) according to A half litre of the stuff for almost a third of what I pay here in Ireland! It left me physically excited… Which brings me to…

The ‘impulse-buy’ shelves by the checkouts. They were filled with the usual ‘Mommy, Mommy, I want one’ sweets and whatnot, but a few items for the Daddies to nag Mommies about too.

That’s right - somewhere north of the Bounty Bars and just south of Twix county, there are hilariously suggestive packets of prophylactics for sale.

I think someone should conduct a study on regions and their values as reflected by condoms;

We can start with Bulgaria, their popular brand is ‘Sportex’. Makes you think that the act of intercourse is almost an exercise, and they’re interested in the fun factor that comes with the endeavour. In Western Europe, our arguably most popular brand is ‘Durex’ - inferring the durability and reliability that we Europeans expect with regards to having control over our well-being. And then, in North America, they have Trojan… Because, um… Because Americans want to… Sneak a penis somewhere without people knowing?

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Save Yourself

I implore you, dear reader, do not hesitate to act on what you are about to read, for your very life may hang in the balance.

Whilst looking at the weather on Met Eireann's website, a small notice caught my eye.

Blight? Where have I heard of that before? Oh yeah...

For those few of you who are still on the Island, reading this, I urge you to flee as far away from the emerald isle as your potato-powered legs can take you.

Me? I'll be in Bulgaria, riding out the famine. I might return with supplies sufficient enough for us to rebuild, repopulate, and move onwards; I might return with some piss-poor blog entries and some shoddily taken photographs... Maybe a little from column A, a little fro-.......

Okay, it'll be entirely from Column B.