Hairy "F**king Paki" cries racism

Consider me outraged. Two weeks ago, the Daily Mail reported the deplorable tale of a Bedfordshire based police constable who was suing his former employers for heeding the urges of his allegedly racist coworkers who launched a campaign to oust him.

Mr Javid Iqbal, who “was born and raised in Stevenage, Hertfordshire” claims that he was bullied by other officers because of his beard, his accent, and his religious beliefs. He laments that his desire to join the police was because he “believed in putting something back into society”, and says that his beard “is an important part of my identity which helps other Muslims relate to me”.

My stomach churns as I think about the utter intolerance that is taking place here. How dare this hairy-faced fucker show such utter contempt for the British way of life. Shame on him for brazenly broadcasting his callous cultural insensitivity to the dominant culture of cultural insensitivity, which helps Brits relate to one another by highlighting even the most insignificant of differences with abject derision.

I get it, Iqbal – you’re pissed because you got the shitty religion – the one with the weird beard-shaving and food-eating rules, but just because your celestial dictator delves into more minutiae than the majority’s celestial dictator doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to subject everybody to halal meats.

If I, like you, had just come back after a nine month leave of absence on full pay as reward for getting depressed at being crap at my job and writing ‘harrassment’ instead of ‘rape’ on a report, I’d probably be just as cynical in getting more out of the government too, but crying racism for every instance your coworkers tried to eke some enjoyment out of your presence, and blaming the victim for your incompetence just makes you look like a douche.

A source at Bedfordshire Police claimed Mr Iqbal was sacked because he was 'not cut out to be a police officer'. With that beard, and your reluctance to earn money in an honest fashion, one vocation springs to mind:

You find me offensive? I find you offensive for finding me offensive

Another sceptic succumbs to religious rhetoric

It's going to be a slow blogging week, as my noble MacBook is enjoying some spa treatment in Dublin, and my mostly-imaginary girlfriend has suddenly materialised herself in physical form and demanding my attention (as far as figments of my imagination go, she's pretty convincing).

Anyhow, to give you an idea of the kind of effort that will be going into this blog until these two abberations have been corrected, I present some copy and pasting:

To: Sully
From: Jay-Jigga
Subject: Incoming Spam

I was in my gran aunt's house the other day. The room was covered in religious paraphernalia - Jesus, teh vurgin Mary, Padre Pio, crosses. She says "I have a book you might want to read". With a kind of sagacious, knowing look, she hands me "Gangster's Guide to God" - how some ex-thug / wannabe-gangster found God and now preaches the message of Jesus to youths. (She hates that we're all atheists, cuz we're gonna burn for eternity, plus there'll be noone to pray over her grave.)

I was bored, trapped amongst relatives, so I read the first chapter.

Wow. I'm a fuckin believer now, dawg. Seriously.

The thug was feeling very low, after he had almost killed some guy by punching him in the face with a knuckle duster, so he cried out "what has i dones! I am teh sinner!" and a presence from above permeated him and told him "you is teh sinner. Change ur ways r u will goes to hell" and at that moment he "knew - not believed - knew" there was a god. And then, sitting behind his typewriter, the author of this magnificent book went for the kill, with words of paradigm-exploding subtle wisdom and intricate philosophical profundity: just because you say “God is a fairytale”, it doesn’t mean he is, in the same way that me saying “you, Sully, are a fairytale” doesn’t mean you don’t exist.

Saaavee me Jebus!

"Despicable Coward"

I was just reading a news article about a despicable coward who entered a church during a service, shot and killed the pastor (a father of two young daughters), then attempted seppuku before being tackled to the ground by two members of the congregation.


Perplexed as I may be by the hollow rhetoric the church has offered to make sense of this grotesque act ["God did it, so let's not bother our puny human brains second-guessing his motives"], and saddened as I am by this 'Meet the pastor' [Update 10/03/09: The page has been taken down] page on the church website, what I want to draw your attention to in the light of this tragedy is the infinite tact exhibited by Google Adsense underneath the news article:

Saints & Shitters IV: Citizens On Patrol

Every now and again, to avoid being pigeonholed as a callous, rant-happy, multi-purpose contrarian tosspot, I try to use my blog as a platform to give a little something back to society.

Regular readers are already quite aware that there are some sick people out there in the world; vagabond miscreants who never venture without their illicit tools, lest they be granted an opportunity to clandestinely destroy something beautiful in the world...

...Well, there’s at least one such person anyway, and admittedly to date the havoc he has wreaked has been limited to marker scrawls in public toilets, but nevertheless, I have made it my business to document the evils perpetrated in the name of this ‘God’ chap, and provide support to those terrorized by this twisted individual.

In the eight months since the last update, there have been two confirmed sightings.

I was having a pleasant lunch one afternoon some months ago in Bean-A-Tí (Little Catherine St., Limerick) with my friend Dermot (who has previously contributed to this noblest of endeavours), when he excused himself to go to the bathroom. Two minutes later, he was showing me a picture he had just taken on his mobile phone:


The picture made my stomach churn, and I felt like a detective chasing a serial killer who had just found the latest victim dumped in his sitting room. The uneasy feeling has yet to subside, and I haven't been in the place since.

The trail went cold for another few months, when all of a sudden, Vinnie commented on my last appeal for more information:

I'm after seeing this written in a bus shelter just outside the Shannon Industrial Estate, I'll try and get a picture to confirm

True to his word, the e-mail came a few days later:

To: Sully
From: Vinnie
Subject: A Priest Strikes Again

These pictures are taken in two bus stops outside Shannon Industrial Estate....the plot thickens!!

The plot thickens indeed! This is the first documented sighting of the infamous scrawl outside of a public toilet. Our perpetrator is getting bold, but now we can start trying to piece together some information about him. For instance:

• He spends a lot of time in public toilets (possibly a medical condition?)

• He uses public transportation (note he has been at that bus stop more than once – given the old faded scrawl in the fourth image)

• He goes through a lot of permanent markers (note the pattern on the third picture which suggests that the ink had to be coaxed out of the pen)

It’s also entirely possible that he’s affiliated with the church that was putting up the flyers at the bus stop – Vinnie (or anyone for that matter), if you’re there again, find out the name of the church, and see if the text includes the famous phrase! I might even call them up and see if I can get any information out of them (recording it for your amusement of course, dear readers).

If you work in a stationery shop that’s near a bus stop and one of your regular customers is an incontinent priest who seems to dine exclusively on permanent markers, let me know! Your days are numbered, A Priest!

Amazon in false advertising shocker!

I must've missed some checkbox that I was meant to untick last time I bought from Amazon, given the amount of e-mails they've been sending my way.

Not that I'm bothered by it, as I've been mildly interested in everything they've been pimping to me thus far (since I'm still trying to justify buying a Blu-Ray player Playstation 3).

Just now, that mild interest turned to serious intrigue when I saw the subject heading for today's e-mail:

2 for 1? The porn-baiting may have failed, but this is something I'll probably avail of! Or so I thought, but of course, once I clicked into the message, the actual offer wasn't anywhere near as impressive as it initially seemed:


"Buy 2, Get 1 free", meaning that the subject ought to have been "3-for-2 Blu-ray Sale". Fail.

Why I love my girlfriend

From: Cait
To: Sully
Subject: movie for us to go see...

DO NOT go to see Watchmen without me. I'll be there the week after it comes out, so you can wait a week to see it, even if all of your friends are going before you. We can even go see it on the 13th if you're so inclined, if you need to see it right away. (I'm not sure how dedicated you are to seeing the film, so if I've overestimated your enthusiasm level for it, know that I really want to see it, so you'll have to go anyway). It's playing at Storm (yes, I looked it up).

There's nothing more gratifying than a relationship in which there are no pretensions to the male's autonomy.
_____________________________

'Real' posts coming soon! It's been a busy week (but with little stimulation!)

Blu-Ray, Broadswords and Boobies

In the run up to Christmas, the Euro was worth about USD$1.48 – and after noticing my proclivities to travel Stateside every chance I get, my family members seized upon this opportunity to give me dollars, making a €100 gift worth $148 (which is a much more impressive amount). I was sternly warned to get myself something nice, and not use it to keep myself in Mars bars and crisps for the next calendar year or so, as I am wont to do.

After weighing up my options – I got a PS3, primarily because of the Blu-Ray playback. It spent two months under my TV without encountering a Blu-Ray disc, so last week I decided to justify the purchase and ordered Planet Terror from Amazon.

Amazon, following up on my previous buying history of a PS3 controller, and my viewing history of innumerable PS3 games, jumped to the conclusion that I owned a PS3, and sent me a message letting me know that I should think about buying more stuff from them.



The e-mail contained a table of items that I gave a cursory glance:

	New Releases		New Releases		Hot PlayStation 3 Games
	"Akira" "Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder" "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge"		"Vanishing Point" "Samurai 7: Boxed Set" "Live at the Isle of Wight Festival 1970"		"Killzone 2" "Shellshock 2: Blood Trails" "Tom Clancy's HAWX"

Looks innocuous enough, but the one on the bottom left caught my eye. Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge, eh? It makes sense that Pirates of the Carribbean would court some imitation, but the box art seems a little too derivative.

So I asked Wikipedia:

"Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge (2008) is the sequel to the popular 2005 pornographic film Pirates [...] Sexpros.net wrote that Pirates II does not add a lot of new ideas to the franchise, but "...if you are a fan of the first Pirates, you'll surely like Stagnetti's Revenge". The review went on that "if you're looking for the hottest thing in porn right now, this is it""

Yup - Amazon recommended I purchase 138 minutes worth of a swashbuckling, plank-walking, parrot-feeding, high-concept pornographic adventure!

Sadly, I can't very well justify purchasing it now, as I just couldn't keep myself from reading the plot synopsis on Wikipedia. I daresay that my opportunity to invest in these characters and follow their development has been spoiled by the revelation that "Olivia and Jules get off to a rocky start to their friendship, but eventually end up in a steamy lesbian experience."

Guess you've got to find some way to stave off scurvy when at sea, eh?

I like Amazon - whatever algorithms they've got pigeonholing me and my taste in books have so far been eerily accurate (often beating me to the punch with recommendations just as I'm logging on to purchase a book), so this oddity made me sit up and take notice.

My favourite part of all this?

8% of customers bought Madagascar after looking at this item! Makes me wonder - are people mistakenly thinking that this is an ideal gift for their Pirates Of the Carribbean obsessed kids and blindly purchasing, or is it from people shopping for 'mommy and daddy' movies whilst finding some wholesome anthropomorphic-animal-based-entertainment?

Here, go kill 15 minutes

Holly has put up a post about the forthcoming Lenten period, during which time she has decided to abstain from alcohol - the account of the general reaction from her friends so far makes for a compelling read, as does her shared motivations for laying off the hooch for a while.

7. You're giving up 2 of the best things in life?
8. HA! yeah right...
9. Shit, so are you just gonna go to movies and stuff now?
10. Your religion is getting in the way of our friendship.

I'm quite surprised by the seeming social stigma attached to a Chicago-dweller's decision to test her self-restraint, mostly because it takes a steaming dump on my utopian notions of the States as a safe haven for teetotallers (after all, they elected our official spokesman!).

Wish her luck, anyhow - not that she'll need it - I'm sure she can manage 40 days without alcohol (I'm on day 8,318, boasting this fact doesn't help the social stigma).

In other news, I just posted a review of the documentary Religulous on that other blog that I don't write to often enough. Go hang out, leave some comments, and feel free to ruffle the feathers of my co-bloggers - they appreciate it immensely.

Okay - that should be enough reading for today - now for the obligatory video dump:

A pressing matter

I love seeing how Google refers people to my site with the most hilariously tenuous links, but this one is especially curious, as someone actually clicked through to my site from this search:

I guess they were just looking for tips

In Print: Seed Sowing Edition

I'm in the throes of writing a piece for the next instalment of [crude] magazine, but I'm suffering from a dose of writer's block as I wait for my ideas to coagulate into an acceptable 600-word form, and so I thought that this would be as good a time as any to post the last article of mine that the magazine was kind enough to print.

It's a tradition of mine to preface any of my printed efforts with excuses to soften its deficiencies, which is why I'm about to tell you that I wrote this in a car on the way to my girlfriend's grandparent's house. Does that exonerate the cliché title? Thought not.

Sowing the seeds of doubt

Originally printed in [crude] magazine, issue two, Feb 09.

It’s a sorry reflection on the state of the human race that there is as much bad information floating around as there is, despite the fact that we are living in the only era of history in which vast nexuses of information are at our fingertips.

Bad information has always circulated in human cultures: conspiracy theories, urban legends, old wives’ tales and false medical advice have propagated as far back as recorded history goes, but in these Googling times, there’s no excuse for it.

Of course, verifying what you’ve heard from others involves more effort than brainlessly parroting it and sounding interesting at parties, but disseminating even the most seemingly benign soundbite is an insidious act. A popular myth that I’ve heard innumerable times is that we only use 10% of our brains – it’s demonstrably incorrect (even a cursory glance at a PET scan would debunk this notion with pretty colours), but it is used every day to bolster belief in psychics and other charlatans who claim to have some supernatural ability.

Blindly accepting these notions seems to have left vast swatches of society with little or no critical faculties, given the amount of people who have been taken in by alternative medicinal scams in lieu of tried-and-trusted modern healthcare. ‘Alternative medicine’ is all marketing, making impressively vague promises of ‘promoting wellness’ and ‘health-boosting properties’, whilst invoking ‘ancient Chinese wisdom’ and ‘taking a holistic approach’.

As the Catholicism of the Irish people is increasingly eroded away by the growing scientific knowledge of the laity, it’s important that we not let peddlers of pseudo-science encroach on our sense of wonder, especially when they make claims about our well-being without any objectively verified proof.

I implore you, dear reader, to take a holistic approach in nixing bad information. Regardless of what perversion of reality you encounter whilst in polite conversation, don’t let it pass unchecked. Whether it’s a mother barring her child from the swimming pool for an hour after lunch; a conspiracy theorist explaining how the twin towers couldn’t have collapsed from a plane crash alone; or a person endorsing their reflexologist, politely inform them that the scientific consensus points to their cherished beliefs being unfounded. They won’t believe you at first, but you’re planting the seeds of doubt that will hopefully lead to a better world for us all.

Despite what you may have heard…
… a goldfish’s memory far exceeds three seconds, and is believed to span at least three months.
… the Great Wall of China can not be seen from the moon with the naked eye, nor can any man-made structure
… smiling uses one more muscle than frowning does (unless it’s a fake smile).
… food eaten just before bed won’t make you fatter than food eaten earlier in the day.
… hair that has been shaved does not grow back thicker or darker.
… the belief that rice thrown at a wedding leads to exploding pigeons is untrue – it poses no threat.
… a duck’s quack does echo.
… Coca-Cola will not dissolve a tooth overnight.

Educate Yourself!

www.snopes.com
An invaluable resource of debunked urban legends and other myths

www.whatstheharm.net
A database linking to news articles of people harmed (and killed) by alternative medicine and other new-age nonsense

www.randi.org
The organisation set up by James Randi, a man who has dedicated his entire life to exposing charlatans and promoting good science

www.quackwatch.org
A site that critically evaluates the claims of alternative medicines, combats medical myths, and highlights the dangerous practices that exist

Farewell, cruel self-respect

I was a good two minutes into my tirade before I noticed something was off.

“How is it that my computer came in with one problem and left with five?”

“It’s hardly five” the technician muttered, somewhat distractedly.

“You have the list! The DVD drive, the battery, the webcam, the monitor and the random Front Row startups – that’s five.”

“Okay” – he still hadn’t made eye contact with me – “I still don’t see what’s wrong with the monitor”.

“Ignore the monitor for a second! Do you think there is a customer in the world who could be satisfied with the problems that have arisen after a simple parts replacement?”

I was quite irate, but he was in his own world, entirely unperturbed by my fury and happy to continue doling out stock responses:

“I don’t see how we caused any problems” he told my shoes.

“They started the day after I got the computer back from you!”

“Just a coincidence”, he shot back without any seeming thought.

“A coincidence? You’re happy that the computer was put back as good as new before it left with me.”

“Yup.”

“The screws weren’t even flush with the body of the machine!”

“That’s only because he didn’t know which screw went where”, he posited somewhat absent-mindedly, apparently following my laces with his eyes.

“Are you kidding me? You’ve had a week to put this right, but you still haven’t amended what you screwed up!”

He looked up at me, for the first time since the bollicking had started, and failed to suppress a smile.

“You’re right – I’m sorry – it won’t be much longer.”

I was utterly puzzled. What was so damn funny? Why wasn’t this asshole taking me seriously?

As soon as I got my computer back I realised why:

For the duration of my impassioned spiel, he was trying not to think of the retarded videos from my pubescent years, the equally immature self-shots from my recent past, and fighting the mental image that he was in fact, being chewed out by the Hulk.

Rawr

"Über-Sceptical"

Okay, so my idea of getting back to this in a ‘day or two’ was somewhat optimistic, but at least the comments beat me to the punch!

Before I attempt to rationalise all this away, I should point out that while my back certainly still gives me trouble, that day saw a rather sudden improvement – up until that day, I had spent a rather unfun two or three months having to carefully deliberate whether to sit down or not, such was the discomfort involved. As you can imagine, it was a pretty miserable time – the initial two months of physiotherapy had limited success, and I had been told it was the only treatment available. Which brings me to the first important point to be aware of – not only did I want it to work, I felt at the time that I needed it to work,

I’ve never found anecdotal evidence particularly compelling, whether it was people on TV effusing about alien encounters, or friends recounting their religious experiences, but the very sudden improvement of my grandfather was something I couldn’t ignore. Looking back, I should have paid more attention to the fact that I visited him in the hospital before the operation; at the start of his recovery, and just because I wasn’t around to witness it, it didn’t mean that his improvement wasn’t gradual. I still believe the story of his sudden recovery was accurate, as the visit to the healer may have lifted his spirit, but I’m inclined to believe that the heavy lifting was done by the conventional treatment he received.

In the waiting area, the amazing testimonies from once desperate people told in earnest, hushed tones served to bolster my preconditioning (“if it works for these desperate cases, surely it’ll work for me too”), and the sheer volume of patients – both physically present and cited as referees – was also encouraging. I can only imagine that amusement caused by the bizarre surroundings of a farm-shed hastily converted into an operating theatre contributed to the overall “flood of endorphins or some mildly hypnotic analgesic” that Jason alluded to in the comments.

After a week or two of imagining what he looked like, and a half-hour of listening to his pithy mutterings behind the partition, my sense of wonder was bombarded when I finally came face to face with the healer-man. Not only was his appearance novel, but the way he conducted himself threw me off – particularly when he disappeared behind me for a few moments, only to begin with the vigorous prodding and manipulation.

I’m inclined to believe that what he was doing was chiropractic – the spinal manipulations seemed (at the time, and even in retrospect) far too specific and expertly administered to be for show, but I’m inclined to believe that there was a placebo effect surrounding the encounter, which encouraged me to push myself beyond my established and rather limited comfort zone of spine-extension, which surely contributed.

It saddens me to contemplate that the modern day, über-sceptical Sully would never go to such an establishment, and I can envision myself scoffing at the deluded fools who went along and enjoyed their placebo effects while I suffered on with a somewhat masochistic-pride. It’s possible that if the guy positioned himself as a certified chiropractor, I’d give it a whirl, but if you told me what I heard two years ago, I’m pretty sure I know what the response would be:

“You want me to go a barn to be prodded by some old dude with a magic coathanger? What are you, fucking nuts?”

21st century Christ charges a €20 fee

So then, where were we? Ah yes, tales of teenage douchebaggery debauchery!

Well, now that I’ve baited you with the embarrassing stuff from a decade ago, I’m going to shift gears to my more recent past.

I’ve blogged before about the few months I spent doing slave-labour in Belgium as part of my academic obligations, but didn’t address a remarkable encounter I had shortly after coming home.

In March 2006, during a weekend-trip home, I visited my 88-year-old grandfather in the hospital. He had been having problems with his back and was spending most of his days in a wheelchair – at the time I was struck by how suddenly he had crossed the line and become frail and old, disproving the notion I held of him as a man of infinite vitality.

By the time I left Belgium for good some three months later, my grandfather was back on his feet and sprightly as ever – I was delighted to see this transformation, and enquired about what I had missed whilst I was away.

My uncle told me that my grandfather had gone to a healer – a man who lives on a farm some twenty miles away who takes a coat hanger, waves it over the afflicted body part, then manipulates it back into health. I scoffed at the story, but my uncle told me about how my grandfather sat morosely at home for months before agreeing to see this quack. On the morning he left to see this chap, my grandfather was barely able to walk from his bedroom to the sitting room, and had to be helped into the car. An hour after the encounter, he was able to get out of the car unaided. The following day, he was able to walk the 100 feet to his front gate and back. The day after that, he went outside kicking a football around with his little grandchildren.

It was a miracle!

But of course, I don’t believe in miracles.

I listened to this tale quite incredulously, but it was some rather compelling anecdotal evidence, and my grandfather confirmed that the tale was exactly how I had heard it. Both he and my uncle pushed me to go see if this mysterious chap could do anything for the recently diagnosed spinal disc herniation that had brought a great deal of misery into my life. My uncle even agreed to pay the €20 ‘miracle fee’, so I had nothing to lose!

What follows is the e-mail I sent to my then-girlfriend the following morning - and I assure you that the prescience I exhibit towards the end is word-for-word how the message was sent:

From: Seán O'Sullivan <[deleted]@yahoo.co.uk>
To: [deleted]
Subject: My audience with the modern Jesus
Thu, 22 Jun 2006 19:38:09 GMT

Evenin’ miss!

I was going to put off writing this e-mail until my main 'news' thread was complete, but I feel as though I should send you something to show I care in the meantime!

So here is my epic tale of visiting the healer guy! My uncle made the ‘appointment’ for me, and we drove in convoy up to the hilly forested area, and navigated a narrow dirt track to a barn – a big red one, in fact – at which point he left me to fend for myself.

I entered the small barn door and found myself in the 'waiting area', which was a partitioned off from the 'examining area' by a line of flimsy, whitewashed timber boards. In this waiting area were two chairs, a radio (with fuzzy reception) and a diesel tank! As more and more people crammed into this waiting area, I heard some truly astonishing tales about their experiences with this healer chap. These were people who had invested huge amounts of time and money in conventional medical care, but one trip to Mr. Red Barn sorted their woes almost like magic. I have to admit, I was excited by these testimonies, but I tried not to get my hopes up. The two people in the queue before me took easily 10 minutes each with the healer chap, and then it was finally my turn.

He was silver haired, had scraggy tufts of facial hair, and looked around 60 or so. He wore a suit that looked about two hundred years old. After looking blankly at him for a second he asked "are you stiff in your back"? Wondering if I should have brought along the x-rays, I told him that the discs of my lower spine were pinched together. He nodded at the stool – the only item of furniture in his open-plan surgery – and I parked myself on it.

He stepped behind me, and I stared blankly into the barren concrete floor as I tried to determine if the magic coat-hanger I had heard so much about was coming into play. No sooner had the thought occurred to me, I was being poked.

He prodded my lower left spine, then lower right spine, then tweaked my arm and twisted my leg over to one side, and told me to sit for a second. After a few seconds he told me to get up and walk around for a moment. He stood still and peered at me as I self-consciously paced in front of him.

Upon returning to my stool, he took another poke at my back, and proclaimed "You're fine”.

I got up, astonished by this bold claim. I asked him what he meant.

"You're fixed".

I stretched my back to validate this claim and didn't feel the stab of pain at my usual point of extension.

I gave him a confused "Huh" and watched him smirk at my reaction...

The whole thing took about two minutes! I was thoroughly bewildered. I wanted to make sure I was getting Uncle Phil's money's worth:

"Are we done?"

He nodded solemnly, then thoughtfully added "Don't sit on any couches for a month. No soft things."

So I left. Confused. Wondering for how long this restriction applied, and whether getting back into my car would break this covenant.



So I definitely felt better, but I'm not quite perfect yet – still feeling the familiar pains when I reach that little further, blahdeblahdeblah, but there's a marked improvement.

When I informed my uncle of this - he told me that if I give it 3 days, I'll be fine... So I woke up this morning, and – sure enough – felt a little better!

For now, I remain cautiously optimistic that whatever weird voodoo this guy is after using on me will keep working! The last glance that guy shot me was one of knowing something I didn't!

Sorry that this e-mail has rambled on so long about essentially nothing of interest for you, but at least I'll have a typed record of what happened that day after my shitty-memory kicks in and I forget about the entire thing!

I'm going to wrap it up here, but first I'll let you know that I'm being interviewed by the American Embassy on 17th July to determine whether they want to let me into the country or not. Oh and I've been accepted into RMU, so I'm happy!

I'll give you a call either tonight or tomorrow (if I ring now I'll just end up telling you what I just wrote, since I've been sitting around at home since yesterday)!

Okay – that’s all for today, kiddies. Come back in a day or two for the present-day, sceptical reflection!

Of course, feel free to steal my thunder in the comments - what do you think of all this business?

My Outboard inner-child

I'm fascinated by myself.

I have no qualms about admitting this, and if you just scoffed at that admission, perhaps you need to take a second to reflect on how ego-centric you are. If you've ever taken a personality test, shown interest in what people are saying behind your back, or had slightest spark of intrigue in what a horoscope or palm-reading has to say about your personality, I'm pretty sure you're interested in yourself too.

One of the best things about having a blog is how it serves as a wayback machine, reminding me of things I've done and people I've met, and generally rendering the memories that have been long lost to the ether in satisfyingly high clarity.

This blog was founded to chronicle my exploits from the States, and I often find that when I read my entries, I'm envious of the past-Sully who is still excited from his adventures (not to mention fretful that I don't write 'em like I used to). However pathetic a reflection it is of my memory, I do enjoy that I can read what I wrote just two years ago and find more freshness than familiarity, hopefully experiencing it how outsiders did back in the day.

As valuable as this blog is for offering the recent history of Sully, it's not always an entirely 'pure' summation of what transpired, with fussy details being glossed over and characters being left out for the sake of getting on with the story.

Fortunately for me then, that I've had the same Yahoo! mail account for at least ten years! The oldest item is dated the 26th of March, 1999 - when a 12 year old Sully sent a typo-riddled happy birthday message to his aunt.

The archives span from my first girlfriend to my current, along the way featuring tales of stupidly broken bones, sordid tales of teenage debauchery (to which I always seemed a spectator), and the entire back catalogue of e-mails charting the gradual shift from long-distance friend to long-distance girlfriend. It's fascinating stuff!

Fascinating stuff that I don’t intend on sharing until tomorrow, however. Grotesque as it may seem that I’m trying to bait you into returning with the promise of further worship at the altar of my narcissism, it is entirely in the interest of keeping this entry from getting too bloated, and not the notion that my self-interest is remotely worthwhile to anyone else!


.........

Okay, okay - I can't very well just tease you like this, so I’ll share a little. This is from Monday, 18/10/1999 making me 13 and a half, and meaning I should have known a lot better than this:

Guess this solves the mystery of why I was left out of the teenage debauchery...

Embarrassing stuff!

In the meantime, I have to ask – how far back does your written record go? What links do you have with the psyche of your inner 12 year old, if any?

_______________________________________________________

The title to this entry is a reference to a great article in Wired from September '07: Your Outboard Brain Knows All

Why I rarely log into Bebo

I'm Gay for Tim Minchin (still)

Cast your mind back to the start of last month, when my enthusiasm for the fantastic musedian [perhaps I should give up coining portmanteaus] Tim Minchin was tipped into 'evangelical' after I heard a bootleg of a beat poem he performed at Eight Lessons and Carols for Godless People at the Hammersmith Apollo. Of course, no sooner had I posted the video, it was taken off YouTube, which was unfortunate.

Well great news! He just had it taken down so it wouldn't steal the thunder of the quality recording he was putting up! It now has jazz accompaniment, which disappointed me at first, since it takes the edge off the timbre of his voice, and I've embedded the 'unofficial version, since it has lyrics, but it pains me to not link to the official one, so send him kudos here.

Limb Loss

Misery. That's the first word that comes to mind as I reflect on my present situation.

Y'see, I'm typing this on a PS3 running Linux (Ubuntu 8.10 if you're interested), sitting about three feet from the screen with a keyboard on my lap, and not glued to the screen of that technological marvel known as the MacBook Pro. Disaster (or rather, incompetence) has struck, dear reader, and as a result I have been left without my main link to the outside world for six days now.

Over two years ago, after a bit of soul-searching just north of the US border, I came to the conclusion that home is where the computer is, and since that time, the symbiosis between man and machine has only strengthened.

I'm not ashamed to admit (although perhaps I should be) that without my RSS feeds prompting me to read up on current events, I'm rapidly falling out of touch with world affairs; without convenient access to my podcasts, I seem to be regurgitating the same science-based titbits that I was last week; without my password manager I've found myself hopelessly locked out of half the sites I once didn't think twice about logging into; without the scheduled playing of my 'morning music' those early starts are getting increasingly sluggish; and without my productivity software the simple tasks I have to do at work require a great deal more effort as I grapple with an old Windows XP machine. Oh - and without convenient Skype access, my long-distance relationship feels like it does span quite a distance.

Seeing as it serves as my primary means to accessing my educational, entertainment, and emotional needs, it's quite a loss. Earlier on I likened it to losing a limb.

On the bright side - I'm actually making progress on the books I got for Christmas now that indulging my internet addiction is more of a chore than it's worth. Always a sliver lining on this blog, eh?

So how about you, dear reader - are there any devices in your life that you can't live without? Were they ever taken from you? Leave a comment and we'll try and get a little support group going.

The Stars

Some weeks ago, after stepping out of a taxi on a typically frosty night, I noticed that the stars in the night sky were particularly visible. Since getting inside the warm house seemed a far more pressing need, I only took a quick glance as I darted for the door. I then stood on the front step waiting for Fin to unlock the door for far longer than I ought to have, given the frigid conditions.

Somewhat agitated, I spun around to see Fin, utterly motionless, mouth agape, as he stared up at the celestial bodies. I prompted him to get his ass in gear and let me inside, and after a brief pause, he responded by slowly and deliberately lifting his right arm, then outstretching his index finger towards the heavens.

“But... Ursa Major” he whined, still transfixed by the display.

Envious of his rather efficient beer-coat, and intrigued to experience stargazing with someone who at least sounds convincingly educated on the subject, I strolled away from my stoop, sidled up behind him, and aligned my eyes with his quavering finger, which had now hung suspended for at least half a minute.

Once my field of view no longer included the porch lights, street lamps and such, the universe suddenly snapped into focus, revealing thousands of twinkling lights, each vying for my attention, and I felt a sudden pang of shame for not truly appreciating them before.

As soon as I was in position behind him, Fin traced a line from point to point on the brightest stars, and again muttered those magical four syllables: “Ursa Major”, then drunkenly wandered towards the house.

I stood there in the yard for another few moments, staring up at the impossible immensity of what lay before me, feeling entirely inferior about my ignorance about what I was witnessing, yet elated by the childish awareness that I was looking billions of years into the past, able to contemplate the sheer insignificance of myself and yourself and ourselves on this incredible planet.

As I looked as far as I could into the deepest blacks of space, now blissfully unperturbed by the Arctic conditions, I came to a realisation. Whilst I once scoffed at his rather poorly-contextualised and ham-fistedly expressed effusion, I can proudly stand by Fin and admit what should be true of any man, woman or child with a sense of wonder:

“The stars, I love them”

Political-correctness is dumb

I should've mentioned this in a more timely fashion, but during the coverage of Obama's Inauguration, one of the reports on RTÉ talked about how "African Americans around the world..." were something or other. Y'see - I didn't hear the rest of the sentence because I was too distracted trying to figure out what he meant by 'African-Americans' - was he talking about the black diaspora of the United States who didn't get to be there? Did he say 'the world' when he meant 'the USA', or was he just avoiding the word 'black'? The worst part is that it was a pre-recorded segment, not a live-broadcast, so it wasn't even a mis-speak.

I'm sorry, but 'black' and 'African-American' are not synonymous terms - and if they are - they shouldn't be.

Spreading the link-love

It's occurred to me recently that I should put a bit more effort into this blog - not only by updating more regularly, but also by getting more involved with the blogging community, as I've generally only linked to blogs from friends of mine, or ridiculed some anonymous bastard.

I do lament that the timing of this announcement is sufficiently close to the start of the new year to have that 'resolution' odiousness about it, but I've been debating for a while as to what the best approach is - is it better to have a few substantial posts a month, or constant dribs and drabs? I'd like to get your feedback in the comments, as I certainly find the least interesting part of a blog to be the bits when the author is warbling about how great other people are...

... Except when those 'other people' are me, of course - Stephen Spillane's My Opinion is a blog that makes me feel genuinely ashamed, such is the man's prolific updating schedule (59 posts in 2009 already!). He's a technophile and a political-junkie (which seems to make up the bulk of his content), and gay, which discrimination-be-damned makes me more interested in what he has to say, because he represents a rather under-represented group. Twice now he's linked my way, but I've yet to reciprocate, because it wasn't how I rolled - guess it is now!

Damien Mulley's blog strikes me as being the epicentre of Irish blogging - (like I said, I've yet to officially join this subculture, I could be off somewhat) but after being impressed by a talk on blogging he gave at UCC, I approached him to dole out some more sage-like wisdom, and found him an agreeable chap. His blog also revolves around technical stuff and political punditry, which is right up my alley, and it also helps that he is one sharp mofo.

I'm not interested in local affairs, so it naturally follows that local papers hold little appeal, but John Hogan's Stuff & Nonsense column each week in the Limerick Leader makes for a cracking read - he has that pitch perfect irreverence that amuses me regardless of how little I know/care about the topic at hand. When the venerable Mr Hogan, possibly trying to fill a final paragraph, closed one such column by promoting his blog, I knew I couldn't not include it when I finally got around to acknowledging that mine isn't the only blog in the world.

Okay, by now, all four of my regular readers are probably a bit discombobulated - my inability to play with others probably means you're wondering why the blue-clicky-text doesn't lead to Fin's blog. Well, maybe it's best you go there now and see what he got up to when he went to see that black geezer getting inaugurated last week.

Best to start with baby-steps.

How to use your girlfriend

Having a girlfriend is great – it means that there is at least one person in the world contractually obligated to remember your birthday, it keeps your parents’ suspicions based on your childhood high-heel wearing proclivities at bay, and the automatic access to her friends means you don’t have to spend as much time looking at the unattractive mugs of the few acquaintances you managed to herd on your own.

Of course, the problem with having a girlfriend is – what exactly are you supposed to do with her? It seems that couples are expected to spend vast swaths of time together – sometimes entire weekends – but doing what? You can’t possibly expect to hold conversations with a mere woman for these durations – their intellects just aren’t designed for such encounters. Furthermore, whatever intersecting hobbies both parties have are incapable of soaking up such time spans, inevitably meaning that the hobby of one party must be focused on, breeding contempt, and thus ending the relationship.

This is a major concern of mine, as I do enjoy being able to stroll around urban centres with an attractive, pleasant-smelling member of the opposite sex adorning my arm, but it seems evidently clear that the genders seem designed to cross-paths for short bursts of reproduction, then retreat back to their respective non-overlapping circles upon realisation that the notion of a happy couple is an illusory one.

This may seem bleak, but do not fret, dear reader – for I have a not immodest beacon of hope to share with you on this very night. The realisation struck me last Thanksgiving, when it dawned on me that two years had effortlessly passed by, and I still considered my girlfriend to not only be tolerable company, but a person I actively desired to spend time with.

Before you dismiss such an outlandish claim as mere facetiousness on my part, I’d like to assure you that I was quite unnerved by this revelation, and retreated to my private quarters to reflect how such a situation could manifest itself.

The secret, dear reader, is education – but not of a scholarly kind. For the past twenty-four months, the time spent with the object of my affections has not fallen into the common pitfalls of most relationships – we have squandered little time on idle chit-chat, feigned no interest in one another’s hobbies, and not made a habit of attending social functions where dancing (and subsequent embarrassment) are destined to follow.

This ‘education’ I speak of? Cultural references. For two years now, we have striven to fill in the gaps in the other’s grasp of popular culture, making our way through the movies and TV-shows that we regretted passing on in a fashion that doesn’t feel like wasted time. Before this remarkable woman entered my life, I’d never have considered that I’d find time to watch the entire Star Wars saga in a fortnight, or have experienced the Indiana Jones stories before the latest film hit the cinemas and disappointed loyal fans everywhere.

Since embarking on this daunting quest for knowledge, the origins of innumerable catchphrases have revealed themselves, the once seemingly non-sequitur utterances from my friends have taken shape as rather useful cultural shorthand, and the joy that comes with knowing, rather that staring blankly, is attributed to the magnificent woman who gently coaxed me into watching an entire season of Heroes in four days.

The best part about this gruelling endeavour? When done in solitude, it is a sad reflection of a man with too much time on his hands; but when done with another, it’s the quintessence of quality time.

You're all sick

Forgive the rather constipated updating schedule as of late - I just got back from a delightful fortnight in the States (yet again) and I jumped back into work before I had a chance to undo the slight jet lag that is currently serving as a convenient excuse for the annoyance you've felt every time you checked back here over the past fifteen days and seen no new content

Thinking about the lack of content got me thinking (duh) - what exactly brings people here? From time to time an odd Google keyword has come to my attention, but I thought it would be interesting to trawl through 700+ long list of search terms that have brought weary Internet wanderers to my humble blog and highlight the most noteworthy. The results may disturb you.

Sully

This one shouldn't really surprise anyone, but it is a little unnerving when people type in random details about me and find their way here:



Miscellaneous Dating Advice

I'm pretty good with the ladies - and the men! Google is only too aware of this, so when desperate souls seek advice with critical relationship issues that lesser men dare not tackle, they get sent my way:


Metaphysical Contemplation

Another predictable one - there are vast numbers of people who share in my childish habit of picking on the more feeble-minded of the faith-inclined (which is cruel the same way that tapping the side of an aquarium to upset defenseless goldfish is), so a few wise men inevitably follow the shining star to my site:


Titillation

Face it - that's the very reason you're online right now - you've only got this page up to convince your roommate that you're not looking at dirty stuff, but I know better than that - heck, given the sheer volume of kinky keywords that crop up on the system, I'd be surprised if you didn't have a bestiality fetish:




And thus ends another educational insight into the wonders that the Internet throws up from time to time! I would write something more in depth about these if it didn't take me half a year to display them in an attractive format (and if it wasn't 3.30am), so do my work for me - are there any keywords particularly noteworthy in this pile that surprised/didn't surprise you?

I'm Gay for Tim Minchin

Yes, dear readers, I'm starting the new year of posting with a rather lazy video dump. But what a video dump!

Funny songs on YouTube aren't exactly hard to come by - so much so that I now automatically begrudge anybody who sends me a link along with a message exhorting me to spend three minutes of my life watching some guy make lazy rhymes about a topic that is easily ridiculed. When somebody recommended a video by Tim Minchin - a guy I had never heard about, it took until the recommender pushed the fact that the song espouses critical thinking before I clicked the link. I watched the video, enjoyed it immensely, but then forgot all about him.

A few days later, another video by Minchin surfaced on a blog I read regularly, which also made for an enjoyable few minutes, but it wasn't until I heard a beat poem by him just now that I decided I had to spread the good word of the talented Mr Minchin.

The first two videos are two-to-three minutes in length and good fun, but the third is the real gem - a 10 minute beat poem that should resonate with anybody who has ever fought the urge to yell 'codswallop' and challenging the inane notions of some new-age wackaloon that they've met whilst among polite company.

The audio quality is horrible, and (as anyone who has ever tried to get me to watch a crappy pirated DVD knows) I'm a huge snob for production values, but I still couldn't tear myself away from Minchin's effortless genius.

Please to enjoy:

"If you open your mind too much..."


I don't want to say much about this - only that it's very NSFW


Storm (this is the one I was raving about). Since Storm has been kicked off Youtube, I've instead embedded another enjoyable song, and since you've already put 10 minutes aside, why not give it a shot?